"Money, popularity, battles, trends, success, etc. Pointless values we have been forced to believe in. This is life. You are spending irreplaceable moments of it right now. LIFE. You only get one chance to live it. Maybe I'm just strange, but I'd rather not spend mine sitting in front of a computer, checking my texts, and worrying about things like money, popularity, battles, trends or success. Success is a self defined term."
One of my more put together quotes about the subect. Can't recall when I wrote it, but it has been sitting in my drawer for some time now. I've always been fascinated with the mountains. I went on a family vacation to the Grand Canyon when I was young, which (as cliche as this sounds) changed my life. Before every vacation, my dad would pull out this bulky atlas map, and start tracing lines and circling landmarks; planning every picture, stop, and memory for us. I used to get annoyed on the drives, which were usually hours more than the mapquest expected drive time. Now, as an adult (if I can call myself that), I can't believe how much of an impact those side trips had on me.
I don't fully understand the human brain, but it is amazing to me that standing at a rest stop in Montana as a child could completely shape my whole style of thinking as an adult. Looking up at a seemingly endless row of mountains could create a mental dilemma so immense I can't escape it.
All I remember is wanting to cry. Leaving behind the bleak, flat wasteland that some refer to as "Indiana" and entering the breathtaking mountainous landscape of the West, I became overwhelmed. The beauty of nature, in its purest form, was too much for my prepubescent mind to handle. I loved that we could drive for hours without coming in contact with another human. There were no superstores or fast food venues, and I was amazed that there was still a place in American that was untouched and unspoiled by society.
Mountains are huge. I feel the need to say this, because seeing one up close and personal makes you feel so incredibly insignificant in regards to the world. We, as humans, are tiny. From the top of a mountain, we appear as barely visible specs roaming the ground below. You could say that we are similar to ants. I'm not saying that we are useless or unimportant, but when you compare the size and significance of one average person to the entire world...well, I'll just say that it is pretty difficult to even grasp this concept.
When I visited Yellowstone National Park, I had a mental breakdown. I was sitting in the backseat of my dad's car, listening to him argue about some irrelevant issue with my (ex, now) stepmother. I recall staring out the window wondering how they were even able to speak, let alone argue, considering the mind blowing beauty of our surroundings. At that moment, I realized that my mind was certainly different from theirs. (I wouldn't realize until later that my mind was rather strange compared to most) I silently broke down. I thought about how the rest of my life would pan out, knowing that I would never be able to share common interests or beliefs with them. While they were involved in their own little conflict, I began packing my belongings (which were spread throughout the backseat, as they usually are during a long trip) and planning my escape. I had quite a collection of rest stop snacks and drinks, and I was convinced that I was going to flee the car at the next stop sign or "oh that's worth a picture!" pull over, and live on my own in the mountains. Of course I chickened out and never made my great escape, but the thought of it remained fresh in my mind.
I always thought I was crazy. I would see people striving to have that perfect life and white picket fence and wonder why none of it seemed appealing to me. I would hear people arguing about everything under the sun and wonder why they couldn't save their breath and just be happy in the beauty that I see. In school, everybody was struggling for their own vision of perfection. They all wanted to fit in, and I would wonder why they couldn't find who they were and love themselves instead of craving the love and acceptance of others. People hurt people, they murder, rape, steal, ruin lives, cut down forests to build malls, and destroy beauty on a daily basis. I don't (and probably never will) understand how some people can be unaffected by society in general. The negativity I face everyday eats at me, keeps me up at night, and makes me cry. Yes, I cry, about seemingly unimportant things like my nephew telling me that a kid at school called him stupid. It just kills me that people can walk around using others as doormats and punching bags without even a hint of regret. The warped ideals that are shaping todays youth, creating eating disorders, self mutilation, suicide, school shootings, and making therapists wealthy, keep me up most nights and leave me confused and anxious. Most people think I'm weird, which is fine because I am. I live for music and writing and capturing beauty in my own ways, and when I get stressed I imagine I'm in the mountains again.
I realize that I will most likely never be living in the wild, cutting my own fire wood, finding my own food, basking in the beauty of the land, or singing at the top of my lungs on a mountain somewhere. It is an unrealistic dream, and for now I'm content with allowing that dream to be lived out while I sleep or on vacations. I think that once a person encounters something that changes their life, that thing, whatever it may be, will never leave them. For me, that thing is nature, and the simple beauty that lives in purity.
I have a cell phone, a computer, a few gaming consoles, and am enrolled in college. I rely on money to get the things that I need and desire, and I have a plan for my life. I am trying to do what I have to in order to get to the "happily ever after" part of my life, as most people are. Still, in the back of my head, there is that little voice saying, "As soon as the car stops, jump out and run!"
